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Ever since I was a little boy I can remember how stoked I was waiting for movie Sunday with my dad. Vampire time I called it. He was a blood sucking fiend (my father.) We would start after lunch and head on past dinner. My fear of vampires is not long-term fear. Fact is, it’s very recent. The Twilight series gave me something to fear.

I used to think vampires were all about eternal life and controlling the human population for food. Like a cow or pig, humans were food. Now, I fear our existence might be far worse. Sex slaves. I wake up, 3am, I am covered in glitter and my sweat smells of lavender and honey. There he is, at the foot of my bed, SEXYpire. He does not want my blood. No! He wants my love. I must wake up. Vampy the Sexypire is asking me to rub oil over his body. I scream! Now that my neighbors are awake I look over at the clock. 4am. Damn, work in one hour and I need to clean this dream off my face. So, now you know. It is a valid fear. Not of being drained. A fear of being oiled and glittered, then forced to dance to German techno.

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